How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
