his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
