omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
