I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
In other news, I just burned my penis
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
