Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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