I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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