She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
