She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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