If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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