6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
