I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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