Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
