Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
