Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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