so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Randomize
