Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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