new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
