I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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