I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
