My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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