we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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