a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
