I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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