Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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