I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
