guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
