I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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