I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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