Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
