nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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