eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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