Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
