Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
