Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
