Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
