hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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