drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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