I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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