i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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