I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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