Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
