So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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