it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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