First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
