I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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