All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
