He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
