last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
