How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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