I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
