ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
