Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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