I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
