Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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