woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fuck me I smell like cheese
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
