If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
