if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
